What is anger?

Anger is an emotional reaction to real or perceived injustice, a signal that something is wrong and an invitation to grow, learn or help someone.

Is anger always bad?

The feeling in itself is not bad per se, but most of us express the feeling in bad ways. The Bible records Jesus as getting angry (Mark 3:5 KJV). By a proper understanding of anger and our own effort, combined with the grace of God, we can react to anger in ways that are positive.

What should I do when I feel angry?

1. Acknowledge consciously the fact.

2. Control my initial response (ask God for help).

3. Locate the focus of the anger: the issue.

4. Consider my options.

5. Respond in the best way.

Appropriate and Inappropriate Ange.

The emotion of anger is appropriate when there is real injustice. Anger is inappropriate when there is no real injustice. As we seek to locate the focus of our anger, we should be open to the possibility that our anger may be inappropriate.

Appropriate vs. Inappropriate Anger

An Example of Inappropriate Anger

Jill is not feeling well and so the dinner has not been prepared when her husband John gets home. John reacts to a perceived injustice by getting angry and shouting at Jill. His anger is inappropriate because, firstly, Jill’s relationship with him is not that of a slave, but a wife. Secondly, it is not a right but a privilege to have dinner waiting for him when he gets in. Thirdly, he has not asked Jill for an explanation.

What John could have done:

1. Acknowledge: "I feel angry!"

2. Control: "Oh God, help me to control myself and not shout!"

3. Locate: Why am I angry? I’m hungry and I expect dinner to be ready. Do I have a right to be angry? Not really - I haven't asked Jill what’s going on and anyway I haven’t signed a contract to say she must have dinner always ready. I shouldn’t be angry.

4. Consider: I can say nothing. I can demand an explanation. I can tell her how I feel.

5. Respond in the best way: "Jill, I’m surprised you haven’t made a start on dinner yet, is anything wrong?"

When anger is inappropriate what is the biggest roadblock that prevents people from acknowledging it?

PRIDE.

What can I do about pride?

I believe that the secret to overcoming pride is found in the right action of our will, in our power of choice. I can choose to listen. I can acknowledge the problems that my anger is causing in my life, my family or my work environment. I can acknowledge that I am not perfect. I can listen some more! I can be open to further information. I can be prepared to change my opinion if further information or reflection suggest I should.

How can I respond in the best way to injustice?

First, clarify if there is real injustice. Second, decide if I am going to confront the injustice or pass over it.

Why might I want to pass over real injustice?

When the offender is inaccessible because:

• They are dead.
• Their whereabouts is unknown.
• It is dangerous to contact them.
• They are too old or infirm to understand.
• I am too sick to be able to seek them out or confront them.
  
  

How can I release my anger if I pass over an offence?

I can make a conscious decision to give over to God my anger, my right to justice and entire control over the situation. I can tell God exactly how I feel. I can forgive my offender.

How might I want to confront real injustice?

• Forgive the offender.
• If necessary, take action to protect people and/or property.
• Explain how I feel.
• Explain why I feel this way, that is, identify the injustice.

How should I respond to someone who is angry?

• Most people respond to anger by reflecting the anger back, e.g. "You shout, I shout". This is not constructive.
• If the situation is dangerous it may be appropriate to flee.
• Otherwise the most important thing to do is listen.
• When I have heard their story I should keep listening: ask them to repeat it.
• I should ask specific questions to make sure that to I have all the facts.
• Once they feel that they have had opportunity to express their opinion and I understand their position, if appropriate, provide any extra information that might assist them in better understanding the situation.
  

What should I do when I’ve got angry and expressed my feelings in a bad way?

I should sincerely apologise to the person or persons that I have hurt. I should apologise to God. I should provide restitution for any damage done.

What is the biggest hindrance to apologising?

PRIDE. Saying I am sorry can be difficult, very difficult. But the relief and personal growth from doing it sincerely are immense and only known to those who have experienced it. Though it is shameful for me to do wrong, yet it is an honour and a noble thing for me to confess and apologise when I have commited wrong. Don't wait for the other person to apologise if you have done something wrong - even if you are technically in the right. If you have reacted negatively or mismanaged the situation make your apology and you will open the way for the chief offender to also humble themselves and find relief, reconciliation and personal growth.

How do I make a sincere apology?

• Use face to face or telephone contact, not letters or emails unless there is no alternative.
• Don’t add an excuse with the apology. E.g. don’t say, "I am sorry for shouting at you, but I inherited as short temper".
• Don’t project pride. Don’t say, "IF I have offended you, then I am sorry"
• Don’t presume on their forgiveness. Don’t say, "I am asking you to forgive me for…"
• Be specific and take a humble approach. For example: "I am sorry for shouting at you. I don’t deserve forgiveness, but will you forgive me?"
• If appropriate, provide or assure of restitution. "I am sorry for breaking the pot when I threw it at you. I will pay for a new one. Will you forgive me for my offensive behaviour?"

Why do people tend to get more angry with their own family than with friends or acquaintances?

• Because we think that we have more rights in relation to our own family.
• Because we tend to give in to fatigue or discomfort more easily around family.
• Because we think that relations with family members are more secure and can take "more of a beating" without fracturing them.

What will happen if I just suppress my anger?

I will implode instead of exploding. Imploding means I will internalize the destructive influences of anger. This may cause physical or mental health problems or may be manifested in behaviour such as moodiness and irritability at people in general.

What can I do if I have bottled up anger from the past that has been internalized?

I should try writing a list of the offences and then deal with them by either confronting those involved or by passing over the offences and releasing my anger to God. I should choose to forgive them.

In next month’s newsletter we will discuss the subject of forgiveness.

Testimony: The following testimony is from Rhonda, a recent guest at Highwood, which is available for public release: "I was looked after completely. The care and kindness was so wonderful. I felt part of the family and every need was supplied. I will come back for a longer stay."